// thirteen

I've been alone for a long time. Being alone isn't the equivalent of being lonely, but occasionally the two overlap. (I'm going to ramble a bit, you've been warned).

Looking back at the guys I've dated, I realize I have no idea why I was with some of them. Sure, I was friends with them all first, but at some point they expressed interest in me, and I just sort of...went with it; I convinced myself that I liked them back. Now that I'm older, I realize I was young and did what stupid young people do and fell in like over and over again, sometimes convincing myself there was more when there wasn't.

JK was my best friend when I was too young and still scared of boys in that way. He liked me, and when I couldn't admit I liked him back, he decided hating me was easier. That one hurt.
D was that high school love we all have. He moved away, came back for a couple visits, phone calls, emails... Hard to let go when you can't have a definite ending.
C was one of my closest friends, and I loved him, but we were just the wrong people for each other.
A was fun and different, and I was happy, but distracted.
H was the younger guy who had a crush on me, but I felt awkward about the age difference.
JP had that smirk and sly way of flirting, and not to mention the prettiest blue eyes, but he was an ass.
K sort of sneaked up from the past and I liked the attention, but I knew it wasn't right in the end.
JD was sort of my first boyfriend, but we were kids and innocent and remained close friends. Later, I was convinced he was for me, but he had already found someone right for him, and it made me jealous and angry. (the best hugger, though)

Not to mention the ones who were just there, and weren't important, and were just me being a teenager. I was unsure of myself, and ridiculously shy, and any interest a guy showed me made me feel special, and I just didn't know enough to tell if something was unhealthy or to ask myself  'is this guy right for me?' Not that anything bad has ever happened to me, just fixating on the wrong people.

I tell myself I have an obsessive personality - whether it be fandoms or famous people or friends or guys, I just seem to narrow my focus to one thing so hard my vision blurs and I can't think about much else. I've been fine for years, being alone, but now it's sort of hitting me - most of my friends are married, with kids (which I do not want) and are going about their adult lives (even my little sister!). Here I am still feeling like I'm stuck, not growing, with no one there to lean on or talk to besides my family. It's a bit depressing. And I'm not saying I need a relationship in my life to be happy, it would just be a nice perk, ya know? I have plenty of friends, not that I'm very good at keeping in touch with them since they live all over the place and visiting isn't possible at the moment. Some of these friends are people I've known for half my life, and some only a few years, but I hope to still be friends with them when we're old and boring. And I am (and will be) happy for them when something amazing comes into their lives (a graduation, a new love, a marriage, a baby), but I want some of those things for myself, too, dammit. Is that too much to ask?